I’ve been blessed to serve in pastoral ministry for the past 25 years, and I’m deeply grateful for God’s faithful leading throughout this journey. I consider it a profound privilege to walk this path alongside my wife, whose thoughtfulness, patience, and love continue to sustain and inspire me. Together, we are raising four wonderful children, and like so many other parents, we’re navigating life’s important conversations one step at a time, leaning on God’s grace and each other.

Throughout my ministry, I have made a few key observations about sex that I believe are worth sharing. I will periodically write more extensively on these topics, as this is just a general overview, and I invite you to join the discussion. I really believe that talking about issues head-on is key to growth and maturity, and I hope these articles will prove a blessing to you.

1. Why We Don’t Talk About Sex (and Why We Should)

What’s one of the least spoken-about topics between most kids and their parents? If you guessed sex, then you’re probably on the right track. According to a recent study, six in ten American parents say they were raised to think sex was “taboo,” and 26% would feel awkward having a conversation about it with their children.1

I come from a culture where sex was marketed everywhere—on TV, in music, on the radio—but rarely discussed in many homes, unless it was in response to an unplanned pregnancy or a quick warning to use a condom. In church, there might be the occasional sermon telling young people to avoid sex before marriage, but very little was said about its beauty, joy, or purpose within God’s design.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many didn’t grow up with healthy, open conversations about sex, and it can become an awkward topic to raise. But if we continue to avoid it, greater challenges may present themselves in the future, as ignorance can be dangerous.

2. A Biblical Approach: Speaking Truthfully

When approaching Scripture on the topic of sex, we must be mindful of the lens we use. If we read it rigidly, only seeing the rules, we risk missing the beauty, nuance, and celebration that Scripture contains.

Yes, the Bible warns against sexual sin—like fornication and adultery—but it never portrays sex itself as dirty or shameful. Too often, preachers have taken a “sour grapes” approach to the topic. Like the fox in Aesop’s fable, they declare the grapes undesirable simply because they seem out of reach. But should the vine shake and the grapes fall, the fox in us would turn around and have a feast.

Describing sex only in negative terms creates curiosity fueled by ignorance. When children don’t hear about the beauty and purpose of sex from godly voices, they fill in the gaps with what they see online or hear from peers. That curiosity can lead to early experimentation, shame, or a distorted view of God’s gift.

On the other hand, some take the opposite approach and overhype sex, promoting it as the ultimate reward for waiting or as the key to personal fulfillment once married. While the intent may be pure, this approach can also mislead. The truth is, not everyone will marry. Not every marriage will be sexually fulfilling, and even within loving marriages, sex is just one part of the relationship, not the whole. Elevating it too highly can leave people disillusioned and disappointed in themselves, their spouse, and their faith.

That’s why our conversations about sex must be rooted in deeper values such as accountability, trust, service, and mutual respect; principles that form the basis for a mature understanding of sexuality. Sex is only a piece of what makes for a balanced relationship, and it is only a piece of what makes us human.

3. What the Church Can Learn from the Torah

In Hebrew and Jewish culture, children were expected to study the Torah (the first five books of the Bible) by age 12, which would include its laws about sexual ethics. That means parents had to talk openly about sex: who they could marry, who had no right to their bodies, and how intimacy was to be honored.

I don’t want to rush past this, as I believe it is important to stress. Parents had to discuss topics about the body, sex, and accountability, and the Bible has some interesting commentaries and stories about sex that I’m sure made for some interesting bedtime conversations. Is it possible that by neglecting to read the Bible to our children, we’ve inadvertently deprived them of sound biblical sexual education and left their education to their peers and TikTok? This may be a low-hanging fruit we can improve upon by simply navigating through that sacred Book.

In Biblical culture, sex wasn’t seen as shameful; instead, it was celebrated. After a wedding, the bride and groom consummated their marriage while the community celebrated the union in the morning. They basically gathered to celebrate sex. Yes, children might have blushed, but they also learned that sex was sacred, joyful, and worthy of celebration.

Contrast that with the silence in many modern churches. When we avoid the topic and brush it off as inappropriate, we rob our children of clarity and celebration. It’s time for the church to reclaim a healthy, biblical view of sexuality.

4. Parenting Proactively: Creating Space for Healthy Conversations

After 25 years of ministry, I’ve learned how crucial it is for parents to create safe spaces where children can discuss attraction, dating, and relationships without fear or shame. When your child knows you’re willing to listen, they’re more likely to invite your guidance and share with you the interests that may be coming their way.

One practical step is to encourage group outings by inviting their friends over in safe, supervised settings. This way, you can observe, engage, and affirm their interactions. These moments not only allow you to observe their interactions with their friends but also provide an opportunity, at the appropriate time, to share helpful insights. This interaction can benefit you as a parent, especially if that young person becomes your future in-law.

A counselor once shared a golden rule for parents that, in speaking with your children, you must do your best to keep a calm facial expression, even though you may want to scream and tear out your hair. Why? Because how you respond externally determines if your child will continue the conversation or shut down. Remember, on specific topics, your child may have no one to confide in and may feel embarrassed to approach their friends. But if they know they have a safe place and person to share with, it does something positive for their identity and security. Your presence becomes a source of calm and wisdom.

Sexual topics can be challenging to speak about, but knowing you are there in their corner can make all the difference.

5. Accountability and Friendship for Pastors and Leaders

Temptation grows in secrecy. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is the value of spiritual friendships and accountability.

Throughout my ministry, I have learned that it is good to surround yourself with a community that can keep you accountable. Sins grow in secrecy, but where there are safe spaces and individuals who can hold you accountable, there is room for healing and growth. Every pastor and every believer should have at least one trustworthy person who can pray with them, ask hard questions, and be a safe place for honest conversations.

A prayerful friend willing to challenge you is worth more than silver and gold.

I have experienced the value of such friendships during my ministry. These friends can call at any time of day, and I will either drop what I am doing or immediately return the call as soon as possible.

Jesus Himself leaned on His friends during His darkest hour, by requesting them to pray with Him as He faced the cross. If the Son of God leaned on His friends during times of trial, how much more should we? There are moments in our lives when we will need the ears and prayers of our friends to see us through, and I hope that you will not only have such a friend but become that friend to someone else.

6. Destroying the Myth: Women Are Uninterested in Sex

One of the most damaging myths in Christian marriages is that men are the sexual ones and women are passive or uninterested. Not only is it not biblical, it’s simply not true.

Adam and Eve were created equal, including their capacity for desire. The Song of Solomon portrays mutual longing and delight, not dominance or silence. When couples embrace a vision of shared intimacy, and the bedroom becomes a place of exquisite delight rooted in service, exploration, and love, they experience a richer, more fulfilling sex life. This is where Scripture says, “they were naked and not ashamed.”

Sadly, many women have been taught that their pleasure doesn’t matter or that expressing desire is shameful. This leads to quiet frustration and unmet needs in marriage. For those reading this, I pray you gain the confidence to share and communicate your desire to your spouse and to affirm your emotional and physical needs. Bedroom pleasure is not reserved for men alone but for all God’s children.

Conclusion: Reclaiming the Conversation

Contrary to cultural conditioning, silence benefits no one regarding this topic. If we are silent, the world will teach our children, and often, it will be the wrong things. We can no longer afford to avoid the conversation.

Within God’s design, Sex is beautiful. It should be taught, discussed, celebrated, and modeled in godly relationships. So, let’s commit to having the honest and bold conversations we wish someone had with us. 

 

1

Elizalde, L. (2022, June 15). Six in 10 American parents were raised thinking sex was “taboo” – Talker Research. Talker Research. https://talkerresearch.com/six-in-10-american-parents-were-raised-thinking-sex-was-taboo/